Been a while since I wrote a journal, huh?
I know I haven't really been writing much recently. I've been sort of in a slump when it comes to it. Finding inspiration has been hard.
But I'm posting lots of screenshots from FFXIV.
I swear I take way too many screenshots.
But there's also been a lot going on in my personal life, too.
For those of you who don't know, please allow me this introduction.
My name is Sarah. I'm twenty years old, and currently still live at home with my parents. I am the youngest of three, my eldest brother, Nick, still lives at home, but my older brother, Matt, has moved out and is currently attending college.
While I am open and rather silly online, when it comes to being with others face to face, I'm rather quiet and shy. Once you get past my shell, however, you will see the randomness and silliness that you tend to see here.
For the past four years, I've been recovering from depression that had me contemplating suicide, and very well nearly made me cut myself. While I am much better than I once was, I can still get swings of it. But so long as I can get myself doing something that distracts me from it? I'll be alright.
While I still live at home and currently can't afford to move out, I want nothing more than to just pack everything up and bolt.
Let's just say you never really know how much your own family hates you until you've heard them call you a bitch.
Who am I talking about?
Am I exaggerating when I say my own father
called not only his youngest, but his only
daughter a bitch?
No. No I am not.
He also called his eldest a parasite.
Now you're all probably thinking we did something to get him to call us that.
No. We didn't.
And this is where the "I want nothing more than to bolt" plays in.
For as long as I can remember, it's always been like this. He goes into a rage and starts screaming at us over the smallest things. Or, sometimes... over nothing at all.
We never noticed how destructive he was. Because to us, it was just... normal. To us, this was how a family worked.
Then he started going overseas for his job, leaving the rest of us at home.
And slowly... it became less normal.
There was no more yelling, no more screaming.
There was laughter, random yelling at games rather than family, there was happiness. There was love, and there was peace.
That became normal. That's what normal was supposed
But until then, we never realized it.
But his contract ran out. So he had to come home. And finally, realized the one thing that had been staring at us in the face for years.
Just how horribly screwed up he was.
Now, he works near home. But none of us can stand it when he's home.
Because we know. We just wait. Wait for the yelling to start, for the screaming, waiting for him to unleash his anger out on us.
We lash back at him.
We don't let him have his way. We fight back.
FFXIV. This game has been such a great distraction from it for me. Mainly because I have found a great group of people to hang out with. And I can honestly say, that group is the only group of people I know who can make me laugh so hard that I actually start to hyperventilate.
And if I need to vent?
They're there to lend an ear. To let me vent out my frustrations and give advice or just say a few words to help make me feel a bit better.
But... things are going to change.
This coming August, my mum and I will be traveling to B.C. since my cousin is getting married. We will be visiting family and attending the wedding, but...
We'll also be looking at housing while we're there.
The plan is, once my eldest brother has saved enough and bought himself a condo, my mum and I will be packing up and moving back to B.C.
Away from Alberta, and, more importantly, away from my father.
When will this be happening?
Within the next year or so. We don't really know which yet.
But there's still a lot we need to do before we can go.
We have to hold out a bit longer.
But we have each other. And we'll always support each other.
Because that's what family does.