literature

Letter To My Younger Self

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Published: Aug 13, 2015

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Literature Text

If I could prepare you for what was to come, believe me, I would. But even now, I don’t think I could. You were so much younger then, so innocent. Content with life, just... happy to be there.

You couldn’t always get what you wanted because your family was poor, but you didn’t mind. You understood why you couldn’t have much, and you were content with it.

People will pick on you when you start to get older, but that’s just because you’re smaller than them, so you seem weaker. The worst of the bullies will be your brother. Of course, he thinks he’s being funny, but, in reality, he’s just hurting you. Even now, you won’t let him touch you because of how he behaved when he was younger.

One year, you will have very little. Both your parents will have lost their jobs, your mother having been fired for standing up to her boss, your father having been laid off. But, you won’t mind. Friends will help provide for you while your mother goes back to school for a year and your father searches for a job. And, after a time, your mother will find a job, as will your father, and you won’t have to rely on others to help get you through.

Then, there will come a time when people leave you. When people who you thought were your friends and family, just suddenly abandon you after their use for you has left. For some, you won’t mind. In fact, you’ll be relieved. But for others...

You won’t know why they left you.

Soon after that, you’ll start to wonder if there was something wrong with you. You’ll call yourself a multitude of names, believing them to be true, when they were false.

Though you won’t tell, what they had done had crushed you inside. You want to scream, you won’t. You want to cry, to yell, you refuse. Because if you did, you believed no one would hear you. Or if they did, they wouldn’t care. You just keep your emotions bottled up instead.

No one will really notice your change in personality. Going from happy and outgoing to quiet and shy, putting on a perfected mask so no one would believe the truth.

You were not okay.

Eventually, you won’t be able to take it anymore. There will be times where you try to do the unthinkable. You will try to take your life, with a knife. Always with a knife. But, you never gave yourself scars. Because there was still that tiny bit of hope that kept you going.

During this time, you will find a program on your DSI called Hatena. The program was for making short animations, but you used it mostly for drawings. That when you started to write your stories.

You’ll meet people there; people who you will slowly start to call your friends. They’ll put up with some of your ranting on days when it got really bad, and even at times, try to help you. And you will listen. You won’t realize it at the time, but...

They were one of the reasons you kept holding on.

By the time I write this, you’ll have been recovering from depression for two years. And you’re still recovering.

You’ll never be that outgoing girl again. She died long ago. But even in your shy and quiet ways, you’ll still find friends. You’ll find people who care about you.

But because so many have hurt you before, even now, you’ll sometimes wonder. You question if they really are your friends, or if they’re just using you like all the others.

When you start to think that, it doesn’t take them long to remind you that they truly are your friends, that the truly care about you and wouldn’t hurt you if they can help it.

People will still try to hurt you. But you’ve turned your heart to stone. To you, they’ll just seem like idiots who are trying to stir up trouble. They’ll fight, but you’ll fight back.

You won’t let anyone too close to you, because you’ve become afraid, I suppose. That if you love, they’ll just abandon you. But you’re okay with that.

But one thing that will always surprise you will be the generosity and kindness of others. You’ll have learned to always expect the worst from everyone, so it’ll always surprise you when they give you their best.

I can’t prepare you for everything that’s coming. You’ll fall. But everyone around you will help pull you back onto your feet. Even if sometimes you feel like no one really cares, remember...

You’re never alone.